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Why I feel small

Even though my body is large and my age states that I am nearly half a century old I feel as though I am still a toddler. I desperately try to learn and do what I can to grow as my own person but there are those that feel because I did not follow the path that they set before me that am doing it wrong, that I am incompetent and in constant need to berating and correction. I have gotten to the point that I do not even want to try anymore out of fear of rejection and scorn. Yes I know that there have been poor choices in my life but they were not ones that I had ever experienced before so I was not to know. I have gone to school to learn so many things but it seems to some that all of that time is a waste as I am still a dolt in their eyes. Why God Why? That is all I can shout at the sky. I know that is not the question I should be asking but to what end. Did my brother figure it out, to leave the nest and never look back? To abandon all that helped raise you because some that would not let you fly? I hideaway in my darkened room in a hole in the ground, not like a hobbit all in comfort but to hide from the pain of the guards of my cell, to hide from the feared punishment for not living up to their dreams. But what of my dreams….Am I not allowed to have them? Though I have a most special mate many times I feel all alone. I pray for Jesus to hold me but it gets harder and harder to feel him. I feel the darkness coming back to envelope me, to keep me from his love. A love I desperately need and want but feel though I am not deserving of it. I am a failure, I am a fraud. Everything that I feel I have done for good is for naught. I will fade into nothingness.

Update on my life:

Well as much of these posts that different folks place on the various blobs and online journals I figured it was time for an update beyond just the occasional blurb.

First off I want to thank all my friends and family for the continued support over the years, especially since 2007 when I made that really big commitment to change.
Some rather important changes in my health as I age, trust me if you have not already figured out, getting older does have as lot of drawbacks. The most noticeable one for me right now is I need bifocals now. When my parents were kind enough last year to take me to the eye doctor to get a new checkup as well as new glasses I asked the optometrist at the time if he felt I needed them as I have been struggling to see things up close. He assured me I did not need them yet so I went along with the single vision prescription. Well, it seems I do see bifocals. You see I have pretty much stopped drawing and painting miniatures due to the fact that in all honesty I have been struggling to see well enough to produce anything of quality and that is something I just am not comfortable doing. So because of that several commissions I took wound up being on hold and I was too embarrassed to come forward before to say as much and to those I still owe I apologize, you are not forgotten. Good news is that a couple of weeks ago my wonderful fiancé, Northpaw, purchased some reading glasses for me that work over my current eyewear. It has been an amazing thing to be able to see everything again. I have even attempted to practice drawing again, with some minor success. What does this mean? Well it means that I can get back to work on finishing the commissions that I had started and get the work to those that were so generous and understanding to pay me up front for the work because I was in need to money.

Need of money is what leads to my next update. As some may remember I was working part time at a counselor’s office for gas money really. Well that ended in November last year due to the office having to close. I understand completely what happened and why it happened but it still makes me sad. It makes me sad more that I would not be able to help others in that capacity anymore. Anyway, I am now going through my comic collection and starting to prepare them for sale. I stopped collecting over 20 years ago and these books have been quietly sitting in their comic book boxes in a dark cool place all this time. I am not exactly sure how many I have but I do know that I have several gems in there including the first appearance of the Marvel character Deadpool along with Cable and several others. At this point the first ones I am going to put up for sale is my New Mutants collection which includes those two first appearances. I am making these posts about those books being available for purchase here first among my friends before going to eBay. If I do not hear any interested parties in a week or so that is where I will post them for sale. I am in need of raising funds to help with gas, food and medicine here at my parents home where they have been so gracious as to have taken me in back in 2011 in order to keep me from becoming homeless, I am forever grateful.

Next is to let you all know, if you did not know already I returned to college, again, for the last time (I hope) In order to get a career that is not only something that will be substantial but is something I enjoy doing and am kind of good at. That career is in accounting. Back in 2011 when I initially lost my job I went to the Missouri Career Center (Great place if you are in needing assistance in finding a career path) and went through their program. I learned that my aptitude was for Accounting as well as Social Work and the Medical Field. Now while I know there will always be a need for folks in medicine I just was not sure I could handle all of the terminology as well as the emotional stresses of caring for folks in that way. I grew up with a mother dedicated to the care of the sick and she even worked in Hospice in her later years. She is an amazing woman and I so look up to her at the strength she has and ability to do that vocation, I know I could not do it. So for me it came down to accounting. I learned that Accounting is a growing field and has good pay generally as well as something I was good at. Unfortunately at the time I did not qualify for any Pelgrants due to my income the previous year. I tried and failed over the next year to find work elsewhere, anywhere, but I either did not fit the companies needs or I just could not perfume what was needed (see earlier posts about my adventures in the trucking industry.)

Anyway fast forward to last summer. I was finally able to go back to the community college which I had attended many years ago and re-enroll in their accounting program. I found out I only needed 40 credits to graduate with the degree due to all of the credits I already had from previous classes (146 credit hours I think at the time of start) and I could start that summer. I enrolled in my first class, Accounting 101, and learned that it was to be taken online. Now this whole online thing was totally new to me, mo mother, and my dad. I really did not know what to expect or exactly how the heck I was supposed to learn without sitting in a classroom. Thankfully my instructor, Mr. Randall Kidd, had video recorded his lectures and it made it a lot easier to do the homework. I also had great help my two friends of mine who one is an accountant and the other a business major who had taken accounting classes. With all of that support I managed to get an ‘A’ in that class. To say that did not make me feel good would make me a liar. It felt great, my first time coming back to school, in 14 years and after starting a new life rejuvenated me. I was eager to get enrolled in the fall so I could dive deeper into this thing called education. The difference I found going back to school for me now, living as the person I am supposed to be as opposed to the one before, is that I am taking a real interest in everything to do with the education process. I am a very active participant in my classes, much more than I ever did before. I am taking notes, paying much closer attention to everything. I am learning so much more than I ever thought I could. At the rate I am going I will have my associates degree at the end of December 2014 and will be well on my way back into the workforce, being a productive member of society.

Why did they kill her?

I just awoke from the saddest and tragic dream I have had in a long long time. From what I remember it started I was seeing myself, a slightly older and slimmer self but it was me. I was at some sort of gathering or convention I am not sure but there was several people I recognized from my past. They had gathered at this place for some annual event. There were thousands of people from all ethnic races and dress from all over. For some reason I headed to a hotel room that looked familiar and I had indeed been there before because items that I have were still there. One of them that sticks out was my chi flat iron, very weird. Anyway there as an assemblage of all of these people and I came forth to bring them the truth, the truth about God and his goodness. There were some that believed, and there were some that did not. Sadly the ones that did not or demanded proof seemed far stronger than those that did. It broke my heart and I felt the need to give them the proof. It was then that I spread my wings in front of them, very tangible and visible wings. There was a great gasp from the audience at the sight of me. To the non- believers this angered them greatly. So much so that the images in my vision began to show a small group that had charged themselves with capturing and destroying me so that their ideal about being alone in the universe could remain their truth, for they feared the truth. The gathering hall began to change in form to that of a large church and a sense of urgency fell over everything. I saw church leaders from all over the world coming to this place to share in their experiences of the truth and the Joy of God’s love. It did not matter if they were Catholic, Jew, Muslim Buddhism, Hindu or just plain ole Christian they were coming….But alas they were too late… I saw an image of the cross morph into some unrecognizable from as I felt the nails go into my wrists and my feet… I awoke screaming and crying… all was lost… They were lost… they did not believe and turned their backs on his love and that is what made me cry so much… How can someone think of turning away from the perfect love of God Almighty…? I was then standing next to Jesus and he comforted me and said that not all hope is lost. There are those that still believe... I still felt the guilt that I was not able to save them. I was not able to convince all of them of his love...
Friday February 1st started as most normal Fridays do for me. I got up early, got dressed, took my meds and headed to work. My day at the office was like all of my other days, fairly simple, got my work done in a timely manner. I left work at my normal time and headed out. I was on my way to my fiancés mother’s home as I wanted to pay a visit to her because she had just had outpatient surgery. I needed to stop by the bank to deposit the small check I had received for my work that day so that I could cover my car insurance that was due. On my way to the bank the palms of my hands started itching for an unknown reason and I attempted to relieve the irritation my rubbing my hands on the steering wheel of my car but that brought no relief. I noticed that I had received a call from my fiancé as I was driving and I called him. I then found out that his sister had already headed out to get food and I informed him that I will still need to get food soon as I had not eaten since 2pm and being diabetic I did not want to take any chances on another crash. I continued to drive the itching because more and more intense and began to move beyond my hands. At this time I thought I was having an allergic reaction to something that I may have inadvertently come into something that would cause such a reaction. Upon my arrival to the house I went directly to the bathroom and washed my hands. By this time my palms were beet red and still itching. I asked if they had any Benadryl and unfortunately they did not. At this point I asked my fiancé Northpaw to take me to someplace so he could get me some to see if I could get any relief from the discomfort.

We went to the closest Dollar General and we went into the store and Northpaw made the purchase. As soon as I got in the car I tore open the package and Northpaw handed me a couple of the pills and we headed to the Taco Bell around the corner to get me something to put on my stomach as well as a drink. I managed to eat one of the buffalo chicken grillers and drink about 8 oz. of the Diet Mountain Dew before we got to the house. At this point my mouth was going numb and it was becoming increasingly more difficult to speak. By now I was starting to think that I had somehow been poisoned and managed to inform Northpaw that when I got to the home I was going to go directly to the bathroom and remove all of my clothes so that I could get in the shower to maybe wash off whatever was causing the distress. Northpaw took all of my clothes and transferred them downstairs to wash them and as I turned to go to the shower a wave of nausea hit me and I fell to my knees and everything that I had eaten came up. I crawled into the tub and attempted to turn on the shower but pain was starting to settle into my gut and I could not manipulate the faucet. Northpaw tried to help but I think he was just at a loss as he has never seen anything like this before and I was losing my ability to communicate with anyone. I asked that they please call my mother as I knew since she was a retired nurse she would know what to do. By now I was dry heaving and everything was clearing out of my system at both ends (trying to spare you the gory details). I was curled up on the floor naked, drenched in sweat, and shivering. The pain grew more intense and I was thinking I was going to die. I managed to ask them to call 911 at this point as I think that the three of them there were frozen in shock at seeing this and did not know what to do. Thankfully my mother was already almost there and when she arrived she knew exactly what was going on as far as my immediate symptoms, I was in shock. My mother covered me to try and keep me warm and then proceeded to clean EVERYTHING that I has managed to make a mess of while my health fell apart. After a time I do not recall my mother managed to get me upright and dressed again. It then took my mother, father, and Northpaw to get me into the car because apparently my blood pressure was bottoming out due to the shock and I was very weak. I vaguely remember the ride to the hospital emergency room through the pain I was feeling. Thankfully the staff at North Kansas City Hospital was very on top of things and they brought a wheel chair out for me and before I knew it they had me in the ER hooking my up with IVs and give me morphine for the pain. After the X-Rays, CAT Scans, and MRI the diagnoses were Shock, Enteritis, and Mesenteric Ischemia. Thankfully it was not worse than it could have been as they had a surgeon right then in the event that they had to open me up and remove part of my small intestine due to it dying. I spent the next couple of days in the ICU but was moved to regular medical floor by Sunday evening. It was not until Tuesday I was released from the hospital with lots of instructions on how I can slowly transition back to eating regularly again.

I am still somewhat out of it and this incident has once again reminded me how fragile life is, even mine. I hope that I will not become too much of a burden for my loved ones as unfortunately I have a fair amount of health issues that require a lot of care and attention to make sure that I do not die. It is imperative that I educated all those around me that do not already know what to do in case of an emergency how they can keep me alive should I be unable to communicate with them in the event something like this happens again. This was the most intense pin I can ever remember feeling and honestly I wanted to die just so the pain would stop and I thought I was going to die.

I am recovering now and my blood sugars are getting back in control. I just ask all out there. If you have folks around you that you love and care about, learn first-aid. Ask questions, be prepared. You have to be ready because life is too precious and can easily be taken away.

Merry Christmas

Oh this most blessed day I want to wish everyone a most merry Christmas. No matter what your faith, or lack thereof I hope that all of you can reflect on the fact that we as a species are capable of most wonderful and beautiful things. Cherish one another and sing tidings of great joy. Carry this love in your hearts always and may we have peace on Earth.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today of days is a day of special recognition of being thankful. Now I give thanks daily in prayer just for another day on this planet to try to be as positive of an influence as possible, I fail sometimes but I still try. But I really just wanted to say I am thankful to my parents, my grandparents, my brother, and the rest of my family. I am thankful for them every day because of the love they show me. I am thankful to the additions of my family, Northpaws mother, grandmother and sister and her family. They have all accepted me with open arms and love me as well. And I am thankful to all of my friends that have stayed with me through all the insane crap that has been my life. So many bolted but my true friends stayed and I have made many great other friends. But most of all I want to thank Northpaw, my mate, my fiancé, my best friend. We have been through so much and look at where we are now, to be married.

I encourage everyone, please try to be thankful for what you have. Life is too precious, too beautiful to be negative. I have to remind myself of this every day but it is true. Love one another.

Have a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving.


Another plea for help

Well my friends I am writing this just to give a little update on my personal life at this time, for those that care. I have been working now for just over a month at my current job and it is great. I love who I work for and we all are wishing that he could afford to give me more hours, but it is just not possible at this time. I am still looking for other part-time work but to no avail.
I have been able to get somewhat caught up on my car payments but not to where I need to be before they will take it. Here is the deal. I am basically $150 short that I need by the end of this week, and that is including what I will be paid for this week. My parents have been doing so much for me, far more than I can ever repay both in love and compassion but they are on a fixed income and cannot do anything more in that department.

I know I have a couple of commissions that are still on the burner and I will get to them so I am not asking to take any more of those at this time. All I am asking if there are a few folks who might have a little extra to spare, $5, $10, $20. If I get enough I can save my car and be able to still get to this job that has been a miracle.

If you can please send via paypal angelmacleod@gmail.com

Thank you all in advance.